Parents are often overheard saying, “My kids are like night and day.” My parents said it about me and my sister, and I say it about my sons. But I never imagined that maneuvering the personalities, interests, and goals of two children would require so much of my husband and I as parents.

Before my oldest son got to high school, my sons had already attended two different middle schools. Caleb went to the public school where my dad was an administrator. It had everything he needed – a strong academic program, a leaning toward the arts, and a good athletic program. Joshua went to the charter school where his dad was an administrator. He asked to go because he wanted to be with his dad. Given that we had been through a pandemic and two hurricanes and had been stuck out of town for almost a year without his dad being there every day, we figured the security and bonding time were a win. Caleb found a tribe of (what seems like it will be) forever friends, and Joshua was introduced to marching band in the 7th grade and never looked back. We were winning.

Then, high school happened.

Our Caleb is a perfectionist and busy body with academic, athletic, and artistic interests. Simply put, he has never fit into any specific category or group of people. He found his tribe in middle school because they are all alike. Athletic honor students who like art and fun. They don’t fit in anywhere but with each other, and we love that for them. They are a collective of uniqueness.

Our Joshua is an intellectual who feels absolutely no need to prove it at all. His grades are good because we demand it, but school is more of a hassle than something he enjoys. He’s athletic but doesn’t like sports. He’s smart and loves to learn but doesn’t really love school. But, to our surprise, he loves music. He’s our bandsman. He’s most alive when he plays. That’s his motivation and we’re all in with him.

When Caleb got to high school, my husband and I thought we had arrived. We chose a large school with a strong school culture that had everything that we wanted for both sons. This was going to be easy: two sons, sixteen months apart, two grades apart, riding to the same school in the morning both staying for different practices in the afternoon. Joshua was already able to be in the band there. I had it all thought out. The cute t-shirts, the family car rides to games and competitions, volunteering at one place…we were all in.

Well, they say, “Tell God your plans and watch him laugh.” And He clearly did. Caleb was miserable. The school was everything we wanted for him and not what he wanted or needed at all. He felt pressure to find his tribe for the first time in his life, and he thrives on being socially fluid. He will hang out with his boys and play basketball in the morning, go to lunch with a different group of friends, head to a book club meeting in the afternoon, go to work in the evening, have a late-night workout alone, and read a little bit to close his day out. He didn’t want to fit in. Finally, he sits us down during his freshman year and says to us, “My school is awesome. Just not for me. I really need something else.” And guess what, we didn’t listen. Which brings us to the first lesson I learned from our sons…

If you raised your children to be spiritually, mentally, and emotionally aware of their needs and surroundings, it’s ok to trust their judgement. Of course, I’m not saying to let your children make decisions completely on their own. But, we should’ve heard him out, prayed about it, and really investigated. Listen to your children to understand (and not to respond).

Fast forward to his sophomore year and all hell is breaking loose by September. The kid is not himself, and none of us like it. He was both acclimating and assimilating and having what seemed like success, but he wasn’t happy. There was no joy. Finally, as God often does when I’m being hardheaded, he sent a challenge of sorts to make us take a step back and reevaluate the situation. It was a very intense, emotional time for all of us. But a week later, Caleb was at a new school. And within a week after that, he was flourishing. I got my kid back.

Joshua, on the other hand, (while still in middle school) was still in the band at the school his brother left. It was good for him. He was coming out of his shell, finding new friends, enjoying music, and motivated to do well at school, in music, and throughout the other areas of his life. We were often asked whether we were going to let him go to that school, and we never wavered. The answer was, “Absolutely! Our sons have different needs, and just because something doesn’t work for one doesn’t mean it won’t work for the other.” Which brings me to the second lesson the boys taught me in this instance…

We are all fed differently. My sons were teaching me that, even though they came from the same gene pool, they are very different people with very different needs. Caleb thrives on social interaction. Joshua recharges by being alone. Caleb is fluid socially. He has a primary tribe and a lot of other groups that contribute to his well-being in different ways. For Joshua, it’s family, his BFF, and the band. And it took a good therapist and some hard lessons to make me understand that I had to put them in places and spaces that fed them the way they needed to be fed and not the way I wanted to feed them or in a way that was convenient for me. We understand that diabetic and hypoglycemic patients must have different diets for their bodies to perform optimally; but somehow, we don’t get it when it’s the educational, social, or emotional needs of our children.

The final lesson this situation taught me was that multiple things can be true at the same time. We say it often, but do we really embrace what it means? We live in a time where school choice is at the forefront of controversy surrounding educating children. Here’s the truth; no school is for every child, but there is an avenue through which every child can be educated. It can be true that a school can be a great school and not be good for every child. Similarly, a church can be a great church but not be good for everyone in a particular location. An employer can be a great place for one person to work and a terrible place for another. And it doesn’t make the place or the people associated with it bad.

Caleb needed the small, intimate private, Christian school setting in which every child was seen and celebrated for their likenesses and differences. He needed to be given a chance to just be different out loud – which is not customary of most places. He graduated with opportunities and accolades that he never would have experienced or earned in another environment, and his choices and goals are a product of that.

Joshua needs to be a part of the robust, culture-centered, demanding school with clear, uncompromising standards and expectations that he attends. It has forced him to step out of his comfort zone, find his place, and even walk into leadership roles while enjoying the mental, emotional, and spiritual growth that being a part of the band has fostered in him.

Both are great at what they are … as are all other educational institutions in our area.

Let me insert this as well. A school can be a failing school and the best thing for a particular child. And not every A or B school is good for every child.

This summer, seek God about what He wants for your children, and let Him direct you to it. We are forever grateful for what God has done for our two and the institutions that have helped shape them into what they are today.

Praying this blesses someone. As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts.